Soft Soap

Being a fan of soap opera requires long-term commitment and complete suspension of disbelief. Since the mid-80s I have followed the lives of many fictional characters based in rainy British cities. My first soap was Ken/Deirdre/Mike-era Coronation Street, with later forays into the world of Brookside Close (when my high-school years coincided with their most explosive storylines - pre-watershed lesbianism, bodies under patios and a lot of incest), Hollyoaks, Emmerdale and then, while at uni, the BBCs flagship program Eastenders. So, that is the 'Big Five' as they are never called, each one watched faithfully until the constant stream of implausible controversy proves too much.

It is always a wrench to give up on a soap. 2 hours a week are spent watching the travails of fictional characters, the rhythms of soap-writing is coded into the brain, spoilers are leaked in the press and then awaited onscreen. It's a big commitment to walk away from, far harder to adjust to than a recently-departed character returning with a different face. Often the soap-ennui can be cured by a couple of weeks apart, like a shot in the arm for a failing marriage or a holiday from a hated job. Tedious "comic" subplots pass by unwatched and some new development heralded on the front of Inside Soap will entice me back.

I feel now though, that my turbulent relationship with Eastenders is beyond redemption. In a recent interview, Noel Fielding of Mighty Boosh fame described the soap as 'Glass Smash Face AIDS'. This is excellent short-hand for the rollercoaster ride that most characters spin through week after week. Monday will begin with a bad day at the market and by Thursday night they will be mired in suicidal-turmoil Corrie has long claimed the crown of 'funniest soap' with arch asides spilling out of every script, and though these can sometimes feel heavy-handed or forced, the writers manage to temper the tragedy with enough salt-of-the-Earth Northern wit to shine a little light on the cobbles. In recent months Eastenders has attempted to ape this in the hope of persuading everyone that all the gangsters have left the Square and the 'Den's back from the Dead' storyline never really happened. The results have been mixed. They introduced roly-poly figure of fun Heather to fill the long-empty gap for an obese, obsessive George Michael fan. She has proved popular with the fans but how long can she dance light-heartedly 'round the launderette to Young Guns (Go For It!) before the writers have her succumbing to kleptomania, heart disease or an addiction to store cards? For all the uptempo hilarity she does cut a rather tragic figure, unlucky in love, 15 stone overweight and, well, she likes Wham!.

My abandonment of The Square has been caused by three events:

1) This week Minty and Hazel, a pair of marginal characters mainly featured for comic relief, had their lives ruined and budding relationship crushed over the course of four episodes. A totally unnecessary character-arc. You can't go from 'line-dancing themed wedding' to 'we can't ever have children even though its our dearest wish' and hope to keep viewers.

2) Ever-more desperate attempts to keep up with current news events. In the last month we've had a teenager being stabbed by a hoodie-gang and next week a young character hosts a house party which inevitably gets advertised on a MySpace-style website (this is the BBC remember, no brand-names) and then gets hopelessly out of hand.

3) Tony Jordan, the don of Eastenders scriptwriters returned to the fold from his other hugely successful projects (the afore-mentioned Echo Beach/ Moving Wallpaper and Life on Mars) to write a one-off episode for Dot Cotton. For half an hour she recorded a tape of memories for ailing husband Jim, which had an added poignance as the actor who plays Jim is himself recovering from a stroke. Deceptively simple and moving, it was an excellent piece of television, not just soap opera. And it made me wonder why the program can't be that good, or at least something approaching that good, all the time. I would gladly sacrifice 2 of the weekly episodes in return of better quality of script and acting.

So, I have removed the series link from the V + box until it gets much, much better. And with the 2 hours a week I've gained back I'll start watching Emmerdale.