Notes on the season finale of Torchwood

At the start of the show I hated Captain John. By the end I hearted him. See how they play with my emotions? As a good guy he was a much more rounded character, far less panto-villain than before. I would like to see him back, if only to mess with the sixth-form common room that is the Torchwood Hub.

I know Gwen is not well-liked by many fans but I thought she pwned this episode. But she is great merely for bringing Rhys and Andy into the show. I had a horrible feeling that Rhys would get killed this series so I'm glad he made it through unscathed. They need his dissenting voice to make it more believable.

Tosh. Poor Tosh. But her card was marked the minute they gave her some backstory. Also, excellent move on killing Owen, then bringing him back only to kill him up good a proper. An unexpected move. Let's have some more Martha next year though. Perhaps she could be the New Owen.

Grey was super-boring, though I can see him coming back as Jack's nemesis in S3. Also, are they going to end every season with Cardiff being laid to waste by marauding aliens? I think the locals might get bored of that.

At the End of the Day

Here's something I've been mulling over for a while - my 10 least favourite expressions, uttered with depressing regularity by the general public.

"Take a Chill Pill" / "Chill Out"
"Open Mouth, Insert Foot"
"Not!"
"Let's agree to disagree"
"24/7"
"That's Pants"
"Pot. Kettle. Black"

Referring to any percentage over 100

"It's Political Correctness gone mad"

"Bovvered?"

Jog On

Despite my recent attempts to avoid using FirstBus (WorstBus would be more appropriate! Ha!) I was forced into it today by the weather.  A healthy young man boarded - I assume he'd just been at the gym as he was wearing a full tracksuit - and asked the driver to let him off three stops later.  Now, all you country mice out there will be thinking "Three stops?  That's the equivalent of a days walking over fen and fields wearing my most comfortable clogs".  However, in the city of Glasgow bus stops are only marginally less common than Greggs the baker.  And here you are never more than 30 wheezy paces from your nearest Steak Bake.  The guy did indeed get off in 3 stops (about a 4 minute walk) and then headed off towards the Maryhill Shopping Centre.  I let my local readers draw their own conclusion here.

Now this guy didn't look unhealthy, but I can bet his arteries are stuffed with the most delicious fat deposits in the decadent West.  This country's appalling diet is well documented as is the resulting heart-disease and obesity problem.  I don't think people specifically want to balloon to a massive size and then die young, but it is certainly seems to be all the rage right now.  The government recently announced new incentives to help people get fit and shed weight.  Isn't it depressing that this may be the only way to encourage people to fix all their horrendous dietary and lifestyle mistakes?  The right wing press has already taken exception to the cash incentive (see the Daily Mail and Telegraph for comments from their readers). 

Here are some simple ideas which may be more palatable to the masses (but not as palatable as a deliciously deep-fried pizza):

1) Stop selling football tops in anything over a size Medium.  

2) Narrower doors on buses and trains, operating a 'You Must Be This Slim to Ride' policy.  Also, you have to travel at least 6 stops unless you have a doctor's note saying otherwise.

3) All fast food vans will be unhitched from their moorings and moved to a specially constructed city centre track.  They will only be licensed to sell food if they spend their opening hours travelling round and round the track at a minimum speed of 5mph, forcing their discerning clientele to jog alongside as they order their egg and lorne roll.

 

TV Eats Self

One side-effect of the recent writer's strike is that British networks have had to make up for lost imports, which traditionally pull big ratings on Friday nights.  Channel Four has been hit especially hard as they have long been at the forefront of the import market, being the first station to air many shows which went on to become huge money-spinners (Frasier, The Sopranos, Friends, Lost, and most recently Ugly Betty).  

So whilst the striking writers huddled round braziers, forced to burn promising pilot scripts to keep warm in the harsh LA winter, commissioning editors here have been forced to come up with alternative and original programming tailored to meet the needs of the Discerning British Viewer.  And what steaming pile of greatness have they served up to us?  Well, mainly film re-runs.  American films, obviously.  And one noxious show called Rude Tube.

Here, straight from the press release, is Rude Tube in all its glory - Alex Zane presents a countdown of the 50 funniest, rudest and most bizarre video clips to take the internet by storm.  From dancing prisoners to skateboarding dogs, the video viral revolution has made nobodies into superstars as millions around the world watch their antics online. 

There is much to criticise about this exercise in banality.  Firstly, anyone with a central nervous system is mind-numbingly aware of these videos.  Even if you don't actually own a computer, if you have only ever seen one once, at a distance, through the window of PC World, you will know what YouTube is.  There are tribesmen in the Masai Mara who are right now uploading mobile phone footage of themselves skanking to Uptown Top Ranking.  Squeezing 60 minutes of programming out of this is embarrassingly out of step.  Channel Four is your boss saying 'Chill Out'.

Secondly, this show serves only to highlight how TV has been left behind by the internet.  As with the music industry it has failed to adapt to this frightening new behemoth.  Indeed, the writer's strike  is all about film and TV cleaving to an old model which the web has rendered obsolete.  For some years now record label bosses have been holed-up in a cave surrounded by cans of New Coke and Sinclair C5s, muttering about how they could have been contenders, but for some spectacularly poor PR and decision making.  

Instead of using the gap in the schedules to create something original (or even to commission something original, plucked from the massive reject pile in the skip outside their shiny big offices), they have plundered something which recently had it's bones picked dry by The Richard and Judy Show.  This hypothetical new show may have been a massive failure, but at least it would have been a failure we'd never seen before.

At exactly the same time Rude Tube was airing on Channel Four, the repugnant producer in new ITV sitcom Moving Wallpaper was doubled over in hysterics watching a Star Wars Kid rip-off on YouTube, advising his writers that they had to include it in the next episode of their soap in order to "be down with the kids'.  It was odd to watch this fictional exchange and realise that this actually  happened in real life the Rude Tube production office.

The Gummi Venus di Milo

I feel vindicated in my abandonment of Eastenders.  I see that one of their 'hilarious' new storylines is very similar to this one from season 6 of The Simpsons.

At least if Corrie stooped so low they would refer to it in one of their knowing pop-culture asides.

Website

I've got my website up and running, thanks to Sean

Feast your eyes!

Soft Soap

Being a fan of soap opera requires long-term commitment and complete suspension of disbelief. Since the mid-80s I have followed the lives of many fictional characters based in rainy British cities. My first soap was Ken/Deirdre/Mike-era Coronation Street, with later forays into the world of Brookside Close (when my high-school years coincided with their most explosive storylines - pre-watershed lesbianism, bodies under patios and a lot of incest), Hollyoaks, Emmerdale and then, while at uni, the BBCs flagship program Eastenders. So, that is the 'Big Five' as they are never called, each one watched faithfully until the constant stream of implausible controversy proves too much.

It is always a wrench to give up on a soap. 2 hours a week are spent watching the travails of fictional characters, the rhythms of soap-writing is coded into the brain, spoilers are leaked in the press and then awaited onscreen. It's a big commitment to walk away from, far harder to adjust to than a recently-departed character returning with a different face. Often the soap-ennui can be cured by a couple of weeks apart, like a shot in the arm for a failing marriage or a holiday from a hated job. Tedious "comic" subplots pass by unwatched and some new development heralded on the front of Inside Soap will entice me back.

I feel now though, that my turbulent relationship with Eastenders is beyond redemption. In a recent interview, Noel Fielding of Mighty Boosh fame described the soap as 'Glass Smash Face AIDS'. This is excellent short-hand for the rollercoaster ride that most characters spin through week after week. Monday will begin with a bad day at the market and by Thursday night they will be mired in suicidal-turmoil Corrie has long claimed the crown of 'funniest soap' with arch asides spilling out of every script, and though these can sometimes feel heavy-handed or forced, the writers manage to temper the tragedy with enough salt-of-the-Earth Northern wit to shine a little light on the cobbles. In recent months Eastenders has attempted to ape this in the hope of persuading everyone that all the gangsters have left the Square and the 'Den's back from the Dead' storyline never really happened. The results have been mixed. They introduced roly-poly figure of fun Heather to fill the long-empty gap for an obese, obsessive George Michael fan. She has proved popular with the fans but how long can she dance light-heartedly 'round the launderette to Young Guns (Go For It!) before the writers have her succumbing to kleptomania, heart disease or an addiction to store cards? For all the uptempo hilarity she does cut a rather tragic figure, unlucky in love, 15 stone overweight and, well, she likes Wham!.

My abandonment of The Square has been caused by three events:

1) This week Minty and Hazel, a pair of marginal characters mainly featured for comic relief, had their lives ruined and budding relationship crushed over the course of four episodes. A totally unnecessary character-arc. You can't go from 'line-dancing themed wedding' to 'we can't ever have children even though its our dearest wish' and hope to keep viewers.

2) Ever-more desperate attempts to keep up with current news events. In the last month we've had a teenager being stabbed by a hoodie-gang and next week a young character hosts a house party which inevitably gets advertised on a MySpace-style website (this is the BBC remember, no brand-names) and then gets hopelessly out of hand.

3) Tony Jordan, the don of Eastenders scriptwriters returned to the fold from his other hugely successful projects (the afore-mentioned Echo Beach/ Moving Wallpaper and Life on Mars) to write a one-off episode for Dot Cotton. For half an hour she recorded a tape of memories for ailing husband Jim, which had an added poignance as the actor who plays Jim is himself recovering from a stroke. Deceptively simple and moving, it was an excellent piece of television, not just soap opera. And it made me wonder why the program can't be that good, or at least something approaching that good, all the time. I would gladly sacrifice 2 of the weekly episodes in return of better quality of script and acting.

So, I have removed the series link from the V + box until it gets much, much better. And with the 2 hours a week I've gained back I'll start watching Emmerdale.